1) Start an online fight with Brewdog. Point out the obvious and provide them with the oxygen of publicity they obviously so desperately need.
2) Craft a tin foil hat in an artisanal manner, don it and accuse everyone of being out to get you.
3) Use the term ‘craft beer’ copiously. I can’t stress this enough. Also drone on for paragraph after paragraph about how beer needs to be labelled and pigeon-holed before it can be enjoyed.
4) State that pint glasses are sooo last year and advocate for all craft beer to be drunk from German SS helmets, buckets, dog bowls, bagpipes or ornamental vases. Or Squirrels. (see No.1)
5) Have a go at CAMRA. Mention cask ale, craft beer, keg beer, craft keg, beards, craft beards, sandals, dispense methods, narrow mindedness and living in the past. Also try and get in a statement about how the GBBF is rubbish and how it’s been wrongly named all this time.
6) Mention in your blog that you are currently drinking a Stone Levitation that is 6 months out of date and that it tastes ‘fecking phenomenal!!’ Postulate as to why Stone don’t age all their beers this way. Then tweet a link to said blog and tag @StoneGreg. Wait for the ‘Greg Face’ to make itself known.
7) Do a review of Fyne Ales Jarl and point out that “it aint all that.” Make mention of terms like “The Emperor’s new clothes” and Shakespeare plays such as “Much ado about nothing” Sit back and wait for Glasgow CAMRA to appear on your front lawn with pillowcases on their heads, brandishing pitchforks and “lookin’ fer a lynchin’.”